YaYa Princess

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This probably belongs on the other blog. But it’s here. Cause it ain’t pretty.

There was a time in my youth that I used to say “all my bridesmaids will just buy a black chiffon dress”.

Then I got engaged.

Then J tried on little black dresses for fun, and I fell in love.

And now, I’m here.

Where is here you ask? I’ll tell you. Indecision Hell.

Really, it’s such a stupid stupid thing to stress over. Worse, I have been so vigilant about not getting too stressed over any one piece of the puzzle, constantly reminding myself that it’s about the day AFTER the wedding and every day going forward, not about the party. But then the dress happened, and for whatever Godforsaken reason I have latched onto it and the icy grip of death couldn’t even get me to just “let it go”.

It doesn’t help that I like to think out loud, and to ask people’s opinion. It helps me to step back a bit and hear/see from other points of view, especially when I tend to get too far into the weeds with something. And I appreciate it. But the backfire to this plan,  I’m coming to learn, is information overload.

Don’t get me wrong-I have asked and wanted this advice. But then I finally got to sit down and start putting it all together. Consequently, I learned that my potential wedding day make-up stands up to tears pretty darn well.

That’s right. Meltdown.

Over stupid dresses. It’s so ridiculous I’m literally laughing to myself. I mean, we have LITERALLY gone to China and back. What have I become???

My mom asked me a very interesting question last night. “What do YOU want” she asked.

(cue crickets chirping)

“I have no idea”.

And I don’t. At this point my brain is so jumbled full of information I just don’t know if I want black or red, Satin or chiffon. Hell, they might end up with “marshmallow butts” if they don’t keep an eye on me!

It was black originally, since people were buying their own. But I love red. But the flowers were done based on black for them to pop. And so you see how I get spun up.

My brain is full.

So this morning I e-mailed the florist, to find out if the flowers would work should the dresses be red. I have decided to narrow it down, choose, and move on. And they had some truly terrific ideas, really terrific. Tying things in together etc. But the more I read, the more little changes I found that might just change the entire feel we’re going for.

Well Shit.

And so, rather than freaking out I am writing. Because let’s face facts people, in 10 years…hell, 10 DAYS after the wedding it WILL NOT MATTER. And like Dorthy wishing for home, I find myself clicking my heels together whispering “it’s just a dress, it’s just a dress, it’s just a dress….”

And so I ask again…what have I become?

PS-God bless the boy, cause he’s certainly trying

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Today we are just going to call a spade a spade-this is my b*tch session. Consider yourself warned.

As if “life” wasn’t already enough, the boy and I have taken on the insane challenge of quitting smoking…you know, while planning this little thing called a wedding that just happens to be made more difficult by the Catholic Church. Today is actually day 31, and according to my website thingy I’ve saved $144.00. Woo.Freakin.Hoo. I gave up on my medication, Chantix, halfway through the cruise because frankly, the stuff was making me moody as h*ll and I was afraid of the difficulties involved with bailing one out of a Caribbean jail.

However, between the cruise and the “stop smoking so throw everything else imaginable in your mouth” diet I’ve been on, I’ve gained weight. I wasn’t planning on losing weight per se for the wedding, but certainly didnt’ want to gain either. The thing is, I have a serious problem with keeping my hands occupied. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s true. Plus, I used to smoke when I was hungry and could go for hours past the point of hunger which was especially helpful when I was busy. (Not so helpful though when you realize in 3 days you’ve only eaten 2 meals, but whatever). That was my diet, and I was happy with it.

Now I’m like a freaking unstoppable monster. And so if quitting wasn’t hard enough, the boy has decided we need to lose weight. Yea. The boy. And while he’s right, we may need to work on his, umm, approach, well meaning as it is.

Oh yea, and I have 6 months until the wedding. Countdown you ask? Sort of….because I got bangs which I think I hate (but it might just be the rest of my hair) that are basically too short. Therefore, I had to figure out exactly how much time I had to let my bangs grow. And I like the long side swept thing….except the first girl jacked them 90210 style and i had to have them fixed….twice….and so now they are just short but they’re a little “choppy” to accommodate the shortness.

In fairness, my bangs really aren’t THAT bad, but along with my “big nose” it’s just one more thing I feel crappy about.

And then there’s the fact I have nothing to wear-oh yea, and I don’t really want to go shopping. There are several reasons for this including having no clue what to buy, having stuff not fit (see above) and money ($1500 and counting to the church ).

Oh, and did you know that when you get married you have to compromise??!!! Sh*t people, why don’t you tell me these things?! Seriously though, after the cruise certain things came to my attention-certain things that living on your own for so long make it a bit more difficult. And not just vacation stuff, general stuff. But to give you an example, I love laying on the beach all day. I don’t have to feel like I’m “doing” something and being productive. Somehow, trying to get a tan = productive to me. That, sadly, is the only way I can relax (or the easiest). But the boy gets bored after a bit in the sun. So we’re searching for a honeymoon spot that has both sun and excursions. Seems easy right? Try again. Did I mention we’re doing this during hurricane season? And as it turns out, I’m beginning to view the whole honeymoon like New Year’s Eve-a whole bunch of hype so you feel like its SUPPOSED to be the best night ever, but really it can’t live up. So now I’m desperately trying NOT to hype up the honeymoon in my brain…at all. Otherwise I’m getting WAY overwhelmed. As if feeling like planning a wedding wasn’t “job” enough-seriously, it’s my job, not so much fun right now. I’m working on that though.

And through this all, I think EVERY flaw I have has been pointed out to me…often by my church (did you know reason No. 769 that I’m going to hell – because I don’t want to take a moment in my wedding to worship the Blessed Virgin? Add it to the list for the Pope…). As I sit here are write this, I want to say “I’m working on it”, but that’s so hokey. Like a new year’s resolution – I don’t make them. Rather, I try to work on specific things throughout the year. But seriously, how do you work on not getting overwhelmed & overstressed? It’s ridiculous, I realize but what can I do. Sh*t hits the fan at work all the time, and I feel certain the boy probably thinks I must half lose my mind. But the fact is, I keep it together. Sh*t ALWAYS hits it, and always will, and I just embrace that. But I think I must be using all my embracing at work .

And how do people with kids keep it together????? Like Bri or J? I mean, I know certain people put on fronts (sorry kiddo, I see you almost every day and you know who you are ) but still, those are some damn friggin’ good fronts. And they really don’t let themselves sweat too much. But then they go and find these cute websites that they post on their blogs and so I find but I have NO clue how they find them in the first place and I think it’s super cute stuff but I’m afraid to buy it because I have no clue what to buy or if the sleeves will shrink up on me!!!! (breath)

So that’s a long rant. The fact is, life isn’t THAT bad but apparently I had some (ahem) stuff building up there. Here’s a thought-maybe a lot of the above would be solved if I didn’t feel the need to be perfect, huh? What’s so bad with flaws anyway?

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Relax-I haven’t had a ciggie. No, this is a wedding confession.

Those closest to me know about a recurring dream I have in regards to my wedding. It started years and years ago, and though it’s slightly different every time, there are some general themes. Here’s how it goes:

It’s the day of my wedding. I’m standing in the back of the church with my mom or dad or someone, and I realize suddenly-hey, it’s my wedding day!-except that it’s almost like I was completely unaware that it was coming. I’m standing there in a dress, but not one I love. I realize I haven’t done anything-gotten a mani/pedi, gotten flowers or a photographer etc. Those are always the first things on my mind. Then I realize that I don’t really know the guy I’m about to marry.

There are a lot of more complexities to the dream I won’t share here. The point is this though-even though I obviously know the boy, I sometimes feel like I’m just floating through this. Trying to deal with the stress of quitting smoking isn’t helping. There’s so much to do, and though we’re getting a lot done, I can’t quit help but feel like at times I’m approaching it much more like a job than MY WEDDING.

I know I haven’t really started getting into the fine details lately-my favorite part-but at the same time I think I’m a little overwhelmed by it all. And add to that I don’t do well with the online shopping-so many sites and I really like to see tangible things. I mean-there are SOOO many wedding ideas, I don’t want to skimp miss something that I almost feel like a deer in the headlights. Like today I heard about toilet paper w/ your initials-you know, like the napkins but on TP. Where have I been that I didn’t think of this?? Ok, not that that’s THE greatest idea, but it’s freakin’ funny. It’s my wedding, I feel lots of pressure to really make this “us”. And I could use a smoky treat, but no, I will not.

Someone tell me this will pass and I’ll feel like my wedidng isn’t just some random job…

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I should be working right now, but my head is about to explode.  I should say this entry is generalized, so no one take offense.  Just what’s on my brain.

I often wonder if men in general know how much women do.  So often as women we are thinking/worrying/stressing over 10 different things in one moment, and men come in and tell us “not to worry”.  You’d think after decades of having pans thrown at their head’s they would learn not to say such blasphomy   I wonder if the men in our lives realize how much we do to try to make sure that everything is good, everyone is happy, and all is well.  I don’t agrue with the fact that often 1/8th of the worry and a little action would probably result in the same positive outcome, or that as women we just worry/think too much.  None the less, there is so much that I see my female friends do to make sure their respective “households” are in good working order, and yet so much of it is w/o fanfare or even noticeable since it’s become expected that I wonder if men even realize.  Likewise, it makes me wonder if men are doing more that we, as women, don’t realize.

On the drive in this morning, the boy and I had a discussion which I believe is a perfect example of the differences in our brains.  We had been discussing holiday plans when the following conversation ensued:

The boy: What are you thinking about?

Me: The holidays and all we have to do

The boy:  What do you mean, all we have to do is buy gifts and travel

Me:  Are you being serious?? 

The boy:  Why, what do you think we have to do?

Me:  Well, let’s see-I’m worried about how we’re goign to get all our crap in the car with the gifts, and whether it will fit.  Which makes me wonder about what I’m going to pack.  I have to remember to call the animal nanny for Stinky, and I have to figure out which days they’ll come and how much it’ll cost me.  I also have to figure out when exactly I’m going to remember to call them since I haven’t yet (note to self).  Then I have to figure out when I’m going to meet up with them b/c we have to have a meet and greet and get them a key.  Plus I have to coordinate when they’ll be here w/ the complex office b/c of the key-fob.  I’m wondering how gifts will work now that we’re a couple-do we buy one couple gift or 2 individual?  Likewise what are other people expecting.  Will M and Binks and I exchange gifts? (Old co-workers, our birthday’s also cross)  What about J?  Who do I need to buy for and is it going to blow my already very tight budget?  We’ll need to clean up the house too, and of course do laundry.  Where will we stay on the way back?  I have to make sure we’re back by X date so that I can get ready for my Vegas show.  I’ll also need to make sure I get more catfood.  Oh, and I need to figure out when I’m going to see Andi and Candy b/c it’s been forever-do I go there, they come here or meet in the middle?  I have time now but I don’t really either.  And I have to make the appointment for dress shopping w/ my mom on the 21st.  I want to get the dress but I don’t want to settle-have I looked enough?  It’s such a pain, it’s not like Mom’s really around.  And I need to get mom the picture of us for the newspaper announcement.  And call the priest to set up couseling.  And on and on and on.

In the end we decided to meet in the middle..  But do you see what I mean.  He just thought-pack and go.  I’m thinking of all leading up to it plus everythign else that I’m seemingly responsible for. 

What’s worse, he’s able to just come home and do a few things on the computer and be done.  I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, but it’s certainly frusterating to me when I’m thinking about so much and worrying.  I certainly admit that if I worried/thought less and did more I’d get more done and more joy out of it, but yet I still don’t think you see my point.  If no one thought it through, or worried about it, would it really get done, and would it really be good? 

You can say “of course, woman” all you want.  I know the truth though.  It’s the pre-planning.  But then I feel stuck doing pre-planning when they can come in and enjoy the fruits of it all and wonder why we’re frusterated. 

In my particular case, I have no doubt the boy loves me or means well.  None at all.  But I can’t help feeling envious of the seemingly care-free exsistance just either getting it done w/ a few clicks of his mouse or knowing it will. He doesn’t worry, not like me.  Part of that is on me, part isn’t-it is simply that I see the picture and it’s HUGE.  Just look at my thought process above-so much more than just the holidays. 

Or maybe, maybe it’s not what it seems at all.  Maybe there’s more to it but it just seems so care-free.  Maybe he has it right.  Maybe ‘men’ are just lucky not to think like we do.  Maybe he just doesn’t voice all he’s thinking about.  All I know at the moment is, I know why mom used to threaten to go on strike   And for God’s sake tell me to “just enjoy” one more time and the fying pan is comign out

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No, not to answer my phone.  I want to be a receptionist right now.  Go in, answer phones, file, organize, assist when needed with no real heavily pressing duties, and come home.  And I feel guilty about it.

I’m in my 20’s (for at least a few more weeks thank you very much), I’m college educated, I love my industry, I love working.  But oh dear God I’m so tired.

And I have no right to complain-I don’t have any kids, it’s just me and the boy and stinky.  Sure, there’s a wedding to plan-but even without that I still have the internal screaming, at least that’s what I call it.  I don’t know how else to explain it but just that-I want to scream.  And it seems like every freakin’ time I figure out how to do one thing at the office, they decide to “update” it and I’m relearning it all over. 

 I’m due for vacation, and I’m so looking forward to it.  But first, I have to get through the end of this year.

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