YaYa Princess

Relax-I haven’t had a ciggie. No, this is a wedding confession.

Those closest to me know about a recurring dream I have in regards to my wedding. It started years and years ago, and though it’s slightly different every time, there are some general themes. Here’s how it goes:

It’s the day of my wedding. I’m standing in the back of the church with my mom or dad or someone, and I realize suddenly-hey, it’s my wedding day!-except that it’s almost like I was completely unaware that it was coming. I’m standing there in a dress, but not one I love. I realize I haven’t done anything-gotten a mani/pedi, gotten flowers or a photographer etc. Those are always the first things on my mind. Then I realize that I don’t really know the guy I’m about to marry.

There are a lot of more complexities to the dream I won’t share here. The point is this though-even though I obviously know the boy, I sometimes feel like I’m just floating through this. Trying to deal with the stress of quitting smoking isn’t helping. There’s so much to do, and though we’re getting a lot done, I can’t quit help but feel like at times I’m approaching it much more like a job than MY WEDDING.

I know I haven’t really started getting into the fine details lately-my favorite part-but at the same time I think I’m a little overwhelmed by it all. And add to that I don’t do well with the online shopping-so many sites and I really like to see tangible things. I mean-there are SOOO many wedding ideas, I don’t want to skimp miss something that I almost feel like a deer in the headlights. Like today I heard about toilet paper w/ your initials-you know, like the napkins but on TP. Where have I been that I didn’t think of this?? Ok, not that that’s THE greatest idea, but it’s freakin’ funny. It’s my wedding, I feel lots of pressure to really make this “us”. And I could use a smoky treat, but no, I will not.

Someone tell me this will pass and I’ll feel like my wedidng isn’t just some random job…

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I should be working right now, but my head is about to explode.  I should say this entry is generalized, so no one take offense.  Just what’s on my brain.

I often wonder if men in general know how much women do.  So often as women we are thinking/worrying/stressing over 10 different things in one moment, and men come in and tell us “not to worry”.  You’d think after decades of having pans thrown at their head’s they would learn not to say such blasphomy :)  I wonder if the men in our lives realize how much we do to try to make sure that everything is good, everyone is happy, and all is well.  I don’t agrue with the fact that often 1/8th of the worry and a little action would probably result in the same positive outcome, or that as women we just worry/think too much.  None the less, there is so much that I see my female friends do to make sure their respective “households” are in good working order, and yet so much of it is w/o fanfare or even noticeable since it’s become expected that I wonder if men even realize.  Likewise, it makes me wonder if men are doing more that we, as women, don’t realize.

On the drive in this morning, the boy and I had a discussion which I believe is a perfect example of the differences in our brains.  We had been discussing holiday plans when the following conversation ensued:

The boy: What are you thinking about?

Me: The holidays and all we have to do

The boy:  What do you mean, all we have to do is buy gifts and travel

Me:  Are you being serious?? 

The boy:  Why, what do you think we have to do?

Me:  Well, let’s see-I’m worried about how we’re goign to get all our crap in the car with the gifts, and whether it will fit.  Which makes me wonder about what I’m going to pack.  I have to remember to call the animal nanny for Stinky, and I have to figure out which days they’ll come and how much it’ll cost me.  I also have to figure out when exactly I’m going to remember to call them since I haven’t yet (note to self).  Then I have to figure out when I’m going to meet up with them b/c we have to have a meet and greet and get them a key.  Plus I have to coordinate when they’ll be here w/ the complex office b/c of the key-fob.  I’m wondering how gifts will work now that we’re a couple-do we buy one couple gift or 2 individual?  Likewise what are other people expecting.  Will M and Binks and I exchange gifts? (Old co-workers, our birthday’s also cross)  What about J?  Who do I need to buy for and is it going to blow my already very tight budget?  We’ll need to clean up the house too, and of course do laundry.  Where will we stay on the way back?  I have to make sure we’re back by X date so that I can get ready for my Vegas show.  I’ll also need to make sure I get more catfood.  Oh, and I need to figure out when I’m going to see Andi and Candy b/c it’s been forever-do I go there, they come here or meet in the middle?  I have time now but I don’t really either.  And I have to make the appointment for dress shopping w/ my mom on the 21st.  I want to get the dress but I don’t want to settle-have I looked enough?  It’s such a pain, it’s not like Mom’s really around.  And I need to get mom the picture of us for the newspaper announcement.  And call the priest to set up couseling.  And on and on and on.

In the end we decided to meet in the middle..  But do you see what I mean.  He just thought-pack and go.  I’m thinking of all leading up to it plus everythign else that I’m seemingly responsible for. 

What’s worse, he’s able to just come home and do a few things on the computer and be done.  I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, but it’s certainly frusterating to me when I’m thinking about so much and worrying.  I certainly admit that if I worried/thought less and did more I’d get more done and more joy out of it, but yet I still don’t think you see my point.  If no one thought it through, or worried about it, would it really get done, and would it really be good? 

You can say “of course, woman” all you want.  I know the truth though.  It’s the pre-planning.  But then I feel stuck doing pre-planning when they can come in and enjoy the fruits of it all and wonder why we’re frusterated. 

In my particular case, I have no doubt the boy loves me or means well.  None at all.  But I can’t help feeling envious of the seemingly care-free exsistance just either getting it done w/ a few clicks of his mouse or knowing it will. He doesn’t worry, not like me.  Part of that is on me, part isn’t-it is simply that I see the picture and it’s HUGE.  Just look at my thought process above-so much more than just the holidays. 

Or maybe, maybe it’s not what it seems at all.  Maybe there’s more to it but it just seems so care-free.  Maybe he has it right.  Maybe ‘men’ are just lucky not to think like we do.  Maybe he just doesn’t voice all he’s thinking about.  All I know at the moment is, I know why mom used to threaten to go on strike :)  And for God’s sake tell me to “just enjoy” one more time and the fying pan is comign out

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No, not to answer my phone.  I want to be a receptionist right now.  Go in, answer phones, file, organize, assist when needed with no real heavily pressing duties, and come home.  And I feel guilty about it.

I’m in my 20’s (for at least a few more weeks thank you very much), I’m college educated, I love my industry, I love working.  But oh dear God I’m so tired.

And I have no right to complain-I don’t have any kids, it’s just me and the boy and stinky.  Sure, there’s a wedding to plan-but even without that I still have the internal screaming, at least that’s what I call it.  I don’t know how else to explain it but just that-I want to scream.  And it seems like every freakin’ time I figure out how to do one thing at the office, they decide to “update” it and I’m relearning it all over. 

 I’m due for vacation, and I’m so looking forward to it.  But first, I have to get through the end of this year.

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MENTAL BREAKDOWN.

 enough said for hte moment…dear LORd get me through the end of this month.

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I have been Catholic my entire life.

I was born Catholic.

I was baptised.

I took my first communion.

I was confirmed.

I spent one afternoon a week at CCD, one afternoon a week during the school year for 11 years.  11 years.

I have not been the perfect Catholic, but I have always been a good person, I have always tried, I have always believed.

The boy and I set a date and signed the reception contract today (the great news).  So I decided that I needed to get a hold of the church I’d like to use.  Now, let me say there’s a LOT of backstory here.  I attend one church that I don’t really care for, but b/c the Bishop and USPS are apparently in some sick, twisted agreement I “belong” to them.  There word, not mine, don’t even get me started since I corrected the priest today 3 or 4 times that I am a MEMBER (they don’t own me). 

The majority of my life, I figured I would get married at my church in the ‘burg.  Then 3 years ago, my parents moved.  Suddenly it doesn’t make much sense.  I don’t really love my church here, and the boy and I wanted a small church, an intimate church.  We chose to have everythign here so people wouldn’t have to travel another 2 hours after flying in.  We want those we love around us, isn’t that what God would want??

I have been…hysterical doesn’t even cover it, for the last 45 mins.  I’m finally calm enough now and I have to get this out, though not too much detail so that I can keep my composure.  I want the man who is our deacon from the ‘burg to marry us-he has seen me through everything from first communion to confirmation.  I take marriage seriously, both of us do, and I want some tie from my past to perform the service.  But the Bishop here in Arlington says that I must marry in my “home” church.  We found one in Leesburg by the reception site.  I called them.  I bit my tongue a lot.  The priest kept saying it’s just a “convience thing”.  Maybe so.  Maybe I want those I love to be close, maybe it’s already enough to ask them to travel to DC.  Finally I explained that I am not just some girl who saw a pretty church that she wants to get married in, that my faith is important to me. 

He finally understood, or I thought.  He said he appreciated my sincerty.  I was glad he understood and was willing to work with me.  I explained that being married in the Catholic Church is exceptionally important.  Then he said the words that cut me…

“If you don’t get married in the Catholic Church, your marriage is invalid, it does not exsist to God”. 

He said it 3 or 4 times.  He seemed to want to accomodate but only to a degree-if an actual “member” of the church wanted our wedding date they would get it even if we reserved it first, but he was willing to work with me…sort of. 

UPDATE:  I just got off of the phone w/ my old Deacon who I really want to marry us and he’s going to!!  He’s even going to work with us to get the church we want, but regardless he’ll marry us.  How good to know that some really do care…I am so happy that he’ll marry us

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