I’m far from the only person on this earth who has trouble saying No.  And the good Lord knows all I need is a little flattery about how “indespensible” I am and I’m a little like melted butta’.  Basically, I’m a sucker for some good flattery.  

So you can imagine when I recieved this correspondance (which was then followed up that afternoon with some training for this organization to ‘re-energize us) I was thrown.  Not a week before I sat with my manager discussing my goals for 2010.  One of my goals included being LESS involved.

Yep, you heard it hear first folks.

Two bloggers I read have used a certain turn of phrase that seems particularly appropriate–my ’seaon of life’ has changed.  (yes I know it sounds like a menopause commercial)  It’s no secret that the boy and I have talked about starting a family sometime in the next two years (the same length as a board term) and to be honest, I want to focus more on ‘non-work’ things…you know, it’s normally called a personal life?  Yea, I had to look it up too.

I won’t lie, they almost had me.  I was so flattered by the compliments I was given, by the confidence they have in me and the optimisim I could bring to the table.  Heck, even the fact that they were “looking forward to the opporutnity to work with me and get to know me better”.  Seriously, that’s some good stuff.  And I mulled it over.  Long and hard. 
Maybe, I thought, I could carry on.  How hard would it be right?

When I mentioned it to the boy and said we needed to discuss it, he asked me what there was to discuss.  “Oh” I said, “so you think I should go for it??!”

His reply:

“What part of that statement makes you think I think this is a good idea?”

In fairness, when it’s written out it sounds like he’s running some sort of dictatorship.  That couldn’t be further from the case actually.  This is a man that hears all the backend jumbled jarrgon of all of my little world’s ins and outs.  He knows me, perhaps better than I know myself (much to my dismay) he also knows when I need to slow down.  He’s like my own personal barameter.  And so when the discussion of our family and where our lives are heading originally came up, I had to suck it up and hear what he had to say.  No longer am I a single gal who can come home after working a 12 hour day and tune out, with only myself and a cat to be responsible for.  Never would I have thought that that would be a struggle for me to embrace, and yet here it is almost a year and a half to the day later and I still struggle with it.  Apparently, I can be a bit selfish.  And to be perfectly honest, this is a new season for me and there is a lot going on.  Perhaps it was time to shift it down.

And so yesterday I responded with a thank you, but no thank you.  I expressed my sincere appreciation but declined the offer.  It was harder than I would have thought, I cannot lie.  A year and a half in and I have to remind myself still that it’s not just me.  Sad maybe, but true.  But the benefit to all of this is a life shared, which is much better than a life as the cat lady

November 11th I finished out what was probably THE toughest year (and a few days) of my work life to date.  It wasn’t that it was horrific, just very very challenging.  And now, being on the other side of it I’m filled with pride….and an overwhelming sense of exhaustion, relief and general gratitude.

Truly, I’ve learned so much this year and am so very proud of (generally speaking) how I’ve handled myself.  Of course, some of that learning also has to do with what I would NOT do again, but you can’t win ‘em all.

This has also been a year of other firsts.  First year of marriage, which is a challenge in and of itself regardless of how long you’ve been together or how in love you are, first home (see my last comment  *ahem*), first dog, realizing that I’m not paid to work more than 8 hours, and realizing that I can’t get it all done in 8 hours, finding out I’m well into several hundered hours overbilled at work, coming to terms with the fact that it’s ok to say that that is “not okay”.  It’s the first time I’ve dealt with the economy being this bad, and moreover not being sheltered from it, the first time someone I love lost a family member, and for that matter meeting new family members! 

There are a million more I”m sure, but the point is, it’s been a whirlwind year.  And I’m looking forward to what this next year has in store, mostly b/c of all I’ve learned this year, and b/c of my shift in priorities, and because well, that just means that this year is over.

Oh, and because I’ve learned that if you try to follow someone on Twitter accidentally and then “un-follow” that person still gets a message saying you were trying to follow them…I’m just saying.

I have to admit I’m rather proud of the work I’ve done and I’m caustiously optomistic going forward.  I’ll try to post as well with some stories, maybe some pictures.

I have no idea why I’ meven writing this post.  I’m so tired…but that’s ok

I still remember when the boy and I recieved an invitation to their wedding.  It was one of those pivitol moments when you’re not entirely sure if you would be on the A list, B list, or no list at all.  Certainly I didn’t want them to feel like they needed to invite us (especially since it was in NYC) but I was so glad that they did.  And now, today, I am even more thankful for that invitation.  That invitation, our presence at their wedding, was at least in my mind a pivitol moment.  It’s the moment when we went from aquaintances to friends.

L and D have been amazing influences in our lives.  We have a great time hanging out with them and they have been tremendous friends.  Like I said, they are just good people. 

When we adopted Archie boy L listened to me lament about my concerns and fears, as well as gush over how precious he is.  They also volutnteered to watch our boy right after we brought him home when low and behold we found that both the boy’s schedule and mine had us overlapping out of town trips over one night.  I still remember dropping him off, giving D all kinds of chatter and he just said “it’ll be fine.  He pees on the floor, no biggie, it’s all good”. 

Oh the relief

On Saturday L and D watched Archie while we headed to Buffet with some other amazing friends.  We dropped the boy and visited for a few minuets, when L brought out an anniversary gift that she made for us.

My sweet friend had taken our cake topper bouquet, dried it, and then framed one of her amazing photos and incorporated the dried flowers into the frame.

Tears people, tears.

The thoughfulness was  unbelievable.  I mean, she’s thoughtful of course but this was a year in the making.  That’s a lot of foresight. 

It’s funny how many amazing friends can be made from a single interview in a red suit.

I am so blessed with such amazing friends.  I am so thankful that J introduced us, and that L has allowed me into her life.  My cup runneth over.

And so, with the new year, I decided to try something new…or old as it were.  For example, I used to get scared but instead of shutting down, I’d look at it as my opportunity to push past it.  In fairness, life is much more difficult than it once was.  None the less, I’m challenging myself.  Opening myself up to new things and really truely give 100%.  And as proof, last Friday I had the opportunity to open a box at a jewlery show.  The deal was, it was either a discount, a free item, or you had to host a show.  And once you chose deal or no deal, you couldn’t turn back.  With my new rule, I should’ve opened it.  But I panicked at the additional stress of possibly hosing a show so I turned it down…and as it turns out I turned down a free piece of jewlery.  Serves me right

So I’ve been really trying to live up to this psudo new year’s resolution which includes ‘opening my eyes’.  So, I have no clue exactly how to do that but mostly I’m trying to just not burry my head.  And I’ve been somewhat successful at opening my eyes.

And here’s the thing.  My eyes are open.  And I’m seeing a lot.  And I’m not necessarily happy with everything I’m seeing.  Some of it I’m downright disgusted with, and I can’t unsee it.  It’s staring me straigh.in.the.face.  Bleh

So now I have two choices:

1.) try to bury it

2.) try to do something about it

And it’s my life, so I’m choosing number 2.  Now, that’s not saying I can fix everything right now,  or even everything.  But I can make myself some goals.  Of course there are absolutly moments when I wish I couldclose my eyes again.  But I don’t, and I won’t, b/c if nothing else the idea of some of these things excites me beyond words.

Now, I just wonder if the boy has noticed my newfound ’sight’.

What can I say?  The truth of the matter is two-fold–I’ve been busy, and quite frankly I wonder if what I have to say is all that interesting.  But it’s chronicling my life, and so here I am again.  I suppose if you’re reading this you have nothing better to to anway

Vegas was good.  I’m glad I’m home though.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to manage your manager?  Seriously hard, let me tell you.  Not that she did anything wrong by any means.  Rather, it’s hard when someone plays a role 99% of the time for everyone, me included, not to fall back into those patterns.

I’ve been playing catch-up at work.  That’s always so fun.  Now I’m nothing short of burnt out.

The She She came for a visit last week.  It was a great time and I’m so glad we got to see her.  I’ll tell you what, I’ve certainly been blessed with a wonderful extended family.  My mom and dad are in Harrisonburg and were supposed to come up tonight, but no dice.  Maybe that’s where I get it from, and if you know me you know what I mean.

The house is coming along.  We need to paint the main floor and then get pictures up, but I’m really starting to enjoy it.  Oh yea, except that no one realizes our driveway is a driveway.  As a matter of fact, as I write this someone is parked in FRONT of it.  Fun.

I had dinner with my friend last night.  I don’t get to see ER nearly enough.  That woman is…amazing.  I’m truly blessed by some amazing friends.  Between the She She and ER, I’ve had some awesome heart-to-hearts lately.  I am sometimes in awe of the stregnth of the women around me.  It’s inspiring.  Another inspirational woman (that I’m having lunch with next week) once told me that when you are down you should try to help other people.  That it helps them, helps you, and puts it all in perspective.  Whatdoes that have to do with anything, I’m not sure, but I know it does

I will close with this.  I read some other blogs, and I realize that my posts are not normally “subject related” but rather a rambling. You know what though, it is what it is.   Like it or leave it.

And now it’s time to see if I can’t figure out the rest of the V-Day Plans

I’ve had the fear of God put into me, what with all the horror stories.  But what I’m quickly reminding myself of is that people LOVE to talk about the crazy sh*t that happens-no one ever (make that 4 times) likes to talk about the calm times.  So really, I’m feeling pretty good overall.  I have no doubts it will get bannans but that is ok too.

I just got finished talking about sound for Stevie Wonder, and was listening to a conversation about when Al Roker is coming in.  Some days I just have to laugh at my own life.  I mean, the Adult show is over at the Sands Venetian where I have other staff, and I had to explain to them what they would see to prepare them.  And Jepardy is in the back of one of the expo halls.  Pretty cool if you ask me.  I’ll keep my eyes out for any fun newfangled stuff as I always do, and then wait to see it hit the market.  Sadly I never really know how cool the stuff that I’m seeing really is b/c A.) I’m just too busy and B.) I’m just not THAT tech savvy.

Otherwise, it’s just cold here-colder than DC.  We went to our favorite Italian Mobster place last night where it was 2 for 1 wine night-sweet!  The food was yummy as always and we had the red limo transport us each way which makes life soooo much easier. 

I’m signing out for now.  Make sure you watch the Today show this week!!

If you know me, you know I’m a very nostaglic person to say the least.  Things like realizing on 1/1/08 that THIS was the year I was getting married or that in “x” months we would own a home.  So yea, I’m a touch sentimental.

2008 truly has been a good year.  I married a truly amazing boy, became part of a wonderful extended family, got to spend time with my family during all the festivities, was overwhelmed with love, friendship and joy to the point I thought I would burst, purchased our first home, survived another year at work and in some cases even thrived.  Oh sure, maybe I have gained a few (or more than a few) pounds since the wedding when I began married life by drinking my way through the honeymoon, but that can all be dealt with.

I realize that despite a busy schedule and often overly-critical little voice in my head, I’m one pretty lucky lady.  I’m almost glad to say goodbye to 2008 just b/c then I can pack it away in my memory, where I can cherise those perfect (and not so perfect) moments whenever I please.  And though I’m a little supersticious, I’m still looking forward to 2009 and all that it has to offer, critical little voice and all.

This is my third year doing this particular show, but thanks to the immentent arrival of baby Donovan (who is about to be evicted) I’m lead onsite this year.  I have a lot of feelings about about this whole thing.  I’m excited, and it’s daunting.  I”m nervous, but more than nervous I have a strange calm.  I”m nervous-excited b/c it’s such an event, but I know it will all work out if for no other reason than it has to.  Oh yea, and I”m good at what I do.

I have had some anxiety as of late, but it’s been hard for me admit it to most anyone, and when I do I almost feel anxious about being anxious.  Hey, it’s me we’re talking about.

And so as I stare down the barrel at this monster, I sometimes have to laugh looking at my life.  I’ve come a long way.  It’s exciting and I’m looking forward to it.  I’m also looking forward to having my life back.

As always, the boy write much more eloquently than I.  Check him out at www.southboundhome.com.  Still, I have my own thoughts on this matter of purchasing a home.

The boy is right, he pulls forward like a 200+ lb puppy on a leash that sees a new spot to pee on, while I begrudening trudge behind, constatntly worried about what pitfalls lie ahaead.  Though the boy calls me a kurmudgeon, I prefer to think of myself as cautious.  Oh, I haven’t always been like this.  But I have honest concerns that if I just went along with the boy and all of his fly by the seat of his pants ideas we’d be in quite the pickle.  The truth is, I don’t particularly like being the “sensible one” (ask anyone from the past and I wasn’t also so forward thinking), but I feel the need to be.  It also has to be said that often I play devil’s advocate just to make sure he really (like really really) has thought something through. 

There is also something to be said for his intelligence.  Now, before you go trying to convince me I’m not stupid, here’s the deal.  The boy-genius level smart.  No, for real.  I, while not on the short bus, have always had trouble learning. I pick things up much slower.  It just is what it is.  So while he’s off a mile a min talking about morgage insurance, I’m sitting there with a dumb look on my face, that consequently forces said heels into the ground until I have some semblance of a clue. 

it should also be noted that the boy did somewhat ambush me with the whole pre-approval process. 

The fact is, it’s scary.  There are big words and pilot lights that go out, the house makes noises and don’t get me started on the water pressure upstairs. 

But it’s our home.  Ours.

When my mother found out we were looking she gave me total hell–”what if you loose your jobs?!”  they would ask.  Well, I’m pretty sure rent would still be due too, job or no job, much like a mortage.  Consequently the only thing that made her even remotely come around was the office.  Oh wait, I’m sorry, according to her it’s the nursery.  Oy.

But it’s our home.  Nursery or office.

And let’s not forget that I tend to be a nervous nellie.  I’m petrified of being wrong. So voluntarily putting myself into this position is a tough one.  A homeowner.  What if we screw it up?

The boy, the only one of us that’s good with numbers actually admitted to me he’s nervous.  Well that’s just a fine thing to tell me NOW.  To be honest, I have no clue what I’m doing.  I was, (and he admits this) drug into this whole house buying thing by the boy.   I would have been just happy as a clam to continue renting, not having to commit to anywhere longer than a year, none of it would be my problem. But my husband was longing for a home of our own.  And I love my husband, and want him to be happy.  And the fact is I probably never would have commited if not for him, on a variety of levels.  So just as I’m the ying to his yang, so he is to me. 

Am I scared?  Damn straight.  But it’s our life, our home, and we’re living it.  And I wouldn’t have it any other way…but the nursery will have to wait!