YaYa Princess

This week has sucked big time. Monday afternoon just set a tone, and then before I knew it the entire week seems shot to hell. I’m highly agitated and very high strung here at work what with people calling me and asking me random a** questions, messing up my flow and other bits of it that cause me to be at a COMPLETE AND UTTER STANDSTILL. Frustrating, but what can you do. Not to mention that every time I look or even think about my calendar, I physically shutter. Let me give you a little preview:

3/3-27 I’m at an on site in Orlando. Note I leave Easter Sunday which the boy keeps giving me hell over, though I don’t really know why. April 3 I’m at an all day industry event which doesn’t just keep me out of the office, but is physically and emotionally exhausting. Then the next day I head to San Jose for the weekend for a FAM. At least I get to see Bruce Springsteen…except I’m not a huge fan. Whatever. April 20-22 I’m back in CA, and then April 30 I’m in B’more. As if that’s not bad enough, all this time it’ll be a crash course in preparing for May…oh dear God May.

1-7 Miami

16-22 DC

26-31 Orlando

I just need to get moving, it’s the holding pattern that’s killing me.

So anyway, I’ve been a little tense. At home, I sleep a lot on the couch The boy, though well meaning, is always pointing out the fact that I stress too much and that I do it to the point I don’t enjoy things. The only hiccup in this is that I hadn’t noticed before So I spent much of my time this week trying to seem carefree (and failing) in the hopes that the old saying “fake it till you make it” kicks in, but just generally leaves me feeling crappy about myself.

When I got a call on Tuesday afternoon from one of my oldest and dearest friends saying “it would be in your best interest to call me” I panicked. She was, after all, in NOLA on vacation with her boyfriend and I had offered her my “contacts” should anyone get arrested. Oh. Dear. God.

So with heart pounding I called, and rather than a plea of innocence, I found out some of the most incredible news. Her boyfriend is no longer her boyfriend.

He is her husband

In a very C. like way, she had talked for years about doing it drag queen style. And though I’ll miss the idea of dressing up like FooManChoo, the other option was a Wizard of Oz theme which includes little people dressed up….and you KNOW how I feel about that. So I am Juuuuuuust fine not being able to show off my drag-queen finery.

And it really is just like her, in the most perfect sense of the word. I know she was a little nervous we’d be upset, but that day was about them, and I couldn’t have planned it better for her myself. Just…perfect So sans feather boa, but probably with a few leprechauns my friend is now technically related to our other childhood friend, which seems fitting….and when you say it like that it also seems fitting that that whole “incestuous sounding” explanation also comes with the caveat that both of their husbands, and actually one of them, are from West Virginia. Yes, yes that makes much more sense

I love you dearly Mrs. B….BOTH of you

It is no secret that my work life hasn’t exactly been, let’s say, wonderful. The Sunday night “oh my God how do I even THINK about going to work” waterworks blessedly ended around the one year mark when I finally found my feet.

But that didn’t mean that work-life was suddenly pleasant. Quite the contrary actually. What I began to find was that since I stopped focusing on putting out fires and started focusing on preventing them (you know, now that I have a clue) I was more aware of my surroundings…and my surroundings were full of people who are overworked, underpaid, stressed and really really feeling budget crunches. Oh, and did I mention the entire reorganization of my company’s infrastructure oh…right about the time I started?? Yea. Good times.

And people in my office are showing it. I can’t really blame anyone, it was a tough crappy year-only crappier for me b/c I had no idea that it wasn’t “just me” or the office but rather that there were a lot of changes going on. Unfortunately, management failed to mention it to me, mostly b/c they were trying to deal with it themselves. I don’t blame my direct managers at all, it was just a crappy year.

I should have seen it coming when my original manager finally had enough and took an extended absence vacation only to come back in a different role which I learned of 1 month in on my first site visit. hmm

But here I am, and I’ve survived. Yet my office life is still less than stellar. Do I truly believe it’ll ever change? ehh, probably not while I’m here (it’s made worse by the fact that we have upper level management in this office). But, while I am here I need to make the most of it.

And thus came the brainstorming and conversations b/w the boy and I on how to make this the most pleasant experience possible given the parameters. It must have been January when, on a Friday night, the boy and I headed to the Chinese Buffet for me to once again gorge my sorrows in some fried rice and egg rolls. We started discussing the issues for the umpteenth time, except this time he and I were brainstorming on what I could do, not just b*tching.

I’ll be honest, at first I thought it wasn’t worth it. I mean, I know I talk a lot about walking the walk, and I know it’s up to me to be positive for myself. But I can’t lie-I didn’t think there was ANY way that I was going to make a difference in this mess. And admittedly, I thought the boys ideas on it would just fade.

But then, he sent me an article on affecting change in the workplace. And I found us having more conversations on it. And I found that I had committed myself to being positive even if it was just me.

Time has passed, and in that time I’ve had a few people come to me about either the negative atmosphere and sort of tried to band together to keep our chins up, or have literally had the conversation about teaming together to affect a positive change. Even after our annual meeting, I came out and said just about as much as my “growth opportunity”.

Am I saying that I am really changing my office? No, I wouldn’t dare be so bold. But what I HAVE noticed is that at least for me it’s not quite so painful here. And even my manager commented on her appreciation of my admission of a positive change. It’s far from perfect, but for me it’s my responsibility to try and make it the best possible environment for me to be in. And then it’s my responsibility to go home and love my family and friends and enjoy their company, letting work stay at work.

And so, in that vein, I’ve just taken on another meeting. It’s just an on site, and it’s here in the city. Unfortunately it means I have 3 meetings in the month of May (note there are only 4 weeks in that month ). But it’s a partner in the Chicago office, and among other (more selfish reasons) my doing this means that she gets to celebrate her Grandmother’s 80th birthday with all her family in Tuscany. And that makes me feel good.

So maybe it’s a little victory. May might suck, but I’m doing my part. And that makes me feel good, and my work environment better for me. And I have an amazing fiancee who’s supporting me on it all to boot.

Lucky lucky girl am I.

Some of you may recall about a week and a half ago I went out and got a Blackberry. Now, the boy has had a similar (though not as cool) device since two birthdays ago, and on more than one occasion I’ve threatened his “wellbeing” if he didn’t put the thing down while driving.

“What’s so important that you risk our life??” I’d always ask-always singular b/c if you want to be a crack head driving and typing on itty bitty keys you go right ahead.

Except now I am said crack head.

Now in fairness, my commute in this morning included me sitting at a complete standstill for about 30 solid minutes. Given all that though, I still find myself pulling out the little gadget at every chance.

Some of it I’m sure has to do with boredom, some sheer curiosity. But seriously, this is ridiculous.

And so I’ve decided that in order NOT to be one of “those” NOVA people who think their life is much more important than they really are, I’m going to have to lock the thing down and put it in the backseat out of reach while driving.

It’s ridiculous, I know, but how stupid would I look if I got into a wreck and had to have a little itty bitty “B” surgicially removed from my forhead?

So it’s NOT SARS, but let me start again.

I just went to donate blood, b/c I’m a good person like that. They ask you the normal questions and I answer honestly. I tell them about the cruise and ask if I went ot the ruins in Cozumel. No I tell them. We really weren’t in any place more than 8 hours either.

Then she says-”Ummm, where were you in Haiti?”

“On a private Island owned by Royal Caribbean International, called Labadee” I tell her, thinking no biggie.

She gets quiet, reaches for her humongous infectious places binder and there on pg 3 is a memo stating that as of August 2007 Labadee is know to have outbreaks of Malaria. Not only does that mean I cannot donate for 1 year (understandably) but what really chaps me is that RCI NEVER mentioned this. Not one word.

As you may recall I got sick when we came home. I joked that I had “the SARS” and the boy thought I was being silly. Good thing I didn’t know about this then

Stupid cruise line. I’m not even gettin’ PAID!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23490612/

(Check out my new quote )

This probably belongs on the other blog. But it’s here. Cause it ain’t pretty.

There was a time in my youth that I used to say “all my bridesmaids will just buy a black chiffon dress”.

Then I got engaged.

Then J tried on little black dresses for fun, and I fell in love.

And now, I’m here.

Where is here you ask? I’ll tell you. Indecision Hell.

Really, it’s such a stupid stupid thing to stress over. Worse, I have been so vigilant about not getting too stressed over any one piece of the puzzle, constantly reminding myself that it’s about the day AFTER the wedding and every day going forward, not about the party. But then the dress happened, and for whatever Godforsaken reason I have latched onto it and the icy grip of death couldn’t even get me to just “let it go”.

It doesn’t help that I like to think out loud, and to ask people’s opinion. It helps me to step back a bit and hear/see from other points of view, especially when I tend to get too far into the weeds with something. And I appreciate it. But the backfire to this plan,  I’m coming to learn, is information overload.

Don’t get me wrong-I have asked and wanted this advice. But then I finally got to sit down and start putting it all together. Consequently, I learned that my potential wedding day make-up stands up to tears pretty darn well.

That’s right. Meltdown.

Over stupid dresses. It’s so ridiculous I’m literally laughing to myself. I mean, we have LITERALLY gone to China and back. What have I become???

My mom asked me a very interesting question last night. “What do YOU want” she asked.

(cue crickets chirping)

“I have no idea”.

And I don’t. At this point my brain is so jumbled full of information I just don’t know if I want black or red, Satin or chiffon. Hell, they might end up with “marshmallow butts” if they don’t keep an eye on me!

It was black originally, since people were buying their own. But I love red. But the flowers were done based on black for them to pop. And so you see how I get spun up.

My brain is full.

So this morning I e-mailed the florist, to find out if the flowers would work should the dresses be red. I have decided to narrow it down, choose, and move on. And they had some truly terrific ideas, really terrific. Tying things in together etc. But the more I read, the more little changes I found that might just change the entire feel we’re going for.

Well Shit.

And so, rather than freaking out I am writing. Because let’s face facts people, in 10 years…hell, 10 DAYS after the wedding it WILL NOT MATTER. And like Dorthy wishing for home, I find myself clicking my heels together whispering “it’s just a dress, it’s just a dress, it’s just a dress….”

And so I ask again…what have I become?

PS-God bless the boy, cause he’s certainly trying